This guy Nelson Boyer is one of the kindest humans on this planet—I was lucky enough to get to work with him at an herb shop in Springville, Utah. Here is a clip of an email ([sic]’s and all) he sent to me after I hinted at the fact that I am disappointed to find out that I’m not as strong as I thought I was:
“People tend to think that they should know better and beat themselves up over it. The truth is if they truly knew better, they wouldn’t be where they are. Sure, you can know in your head some of the cause and effects of things, but our problems tend to be a little
more complicated than that.
Smokers tend to beat themselves up because they ‘know’ that the smoking isn’t supportive to there health. So they try and quit, start smoking again and get angry at themselves and tell themselves that they’re weak. The truth is that they aren’t smoking because they want problems, but because it fills a vacuum, and other reasons that are better approached with love.
Someone asked me what to do to quit drinking last week. I told them to spend time in gratitude for alcohol and all it has done for them, to make friends with it and hold it in a place of love. If they do decide to drink, I told them to feel gratitude to take the charge out of the action.
This sounds like whitewashing to most people, and that a guiltless approach might prevent someone from progressing. But beating yourself up just gives the things you fear more power over you. Then you feel worse and want the ‘bad’ habits to comfort you. The action is punishment enough, and if someone really needs to get disciplined or scolded that can be done, but only within the greater context of acceptance.
Jesus taught “If you salute them which salute you only, what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans and sinners do the same?” The idea is if we’re only nice to people who are nice to us, we don’t really get it. But more importantly, if we only accept ourselves when we are doing everything we want and being successful, we will be missing the big picture. We need to love ourselves when we’re at our lowest, and acknowledge our worth when we cause problems.”
